Coming back from an overnight trip to Northampton (speaking engagement at the Kettering Rotary Club, if you must know), I saw two stories on the newsstand at the station that seem linked. The Daily Star had the exclusive on Big Brother’s Chanelle “bottled” by stalker, and Heat (the publication that more than any other keeps the careers of BB winners and losers articificially alive) leads this week with Big Brother’s Charley attacked outside club by member of public. So – is this a case of the Great British Public turning on the “celebrities” it helped create? (And the unnamed attackers must take full responsibility, as anyone who couldn’t give a fuck about BB‘s latest wave of would-be glamour models is unlikely to go out of their way to mount an assault on any of them. If you’re really lucky, and avert your eyes from the covers of Heat and Nuts on newsstands, as I am unable to, you might not even recognise Charley or Chanelle, which would be the ultiimate insult to the pair of them.)
The facts, as I have gathered them from the Internet are (and this is a culturally interesting trend, so read on even if you despise): “a crazed stalker tried to maim Big Brother beauty Chanelle Hayes in a terrifying nightclub attack. The shocked star could have lost an eye as the demented woman hurled a beer bottle at the babe who was standing on the stage.” In other words, she didn’t bottle her with a broken bottle, as suggested by the headline, and, in fact, she didn’t hit her with one either. The whole story hinges on what might have happened, had the headline been true. Chanelle ducked and was rushed off stage at Jumpin’ Jaks nightclub in Halifax, by bodyguards. A nasty enough experience for the hapless nude model, and I wouldn’t wish it on her, but at the same time, you can’t prostitue yourself across national TV, then OK! and all the others, for weeks on end, with your fake boyfriend Ziggy, pocketing huge sums of cash along the way, and not expect the odd strange fan. This stalker is clearly a bit cracked, as I believe she fancies Ziggy, and Chanelle now has round-the-clock security, which I hope she can pay for. The stalker is described as “a short, stocky girl with greasy, mousy brown hair.” Note: greasy and stocky. Implication: what a loser, eh? A member of Chanelle’s “team” added, “She was very cheap and chav looking.” (Pretty easy to spot at Jumpin’ Jaks then, I’d guess.) What a wonderful world these people inhabit.
Meanwhile, deluded Big Brother loudmouth Charley Uchea got into a “violent catfight outside London’s Embassy Club” at 3am the other morning, her fake hair “viciously pulled by a mystery brunette in a pink dress.” Charley apparently “sank to the pavement looking terrified.” Having quietly watched some of BB this year, breaking my own boycott for reasons of cultural fact-finding, I find it hard to believe that Charley would be terrified of anything, except perhaps not being noticed. We need not feel too sorry for her, in which case. Charley, 22, recently revealed, “When I go shopping, it takes four hours because everyone mobs me. I’ve got an entourage bigger than J-Lo.” Yes, and if your ambition is to have an “entourage”, well done. They’ll certainly be there for you when Heat no longer consider you newsworthy.
I know I don’t usually trouble myself with silly gossip like this (although it’s still more newsworthy than a survey about flatpack furniture), but I wonder if there’s something in the air. Are we finally sick of these idiots? And if so, wouldn’t it save a lot of trouble if we just stopped adding to C4’s phone/text-vote coffers and stopped buying the magazines with their needy faces on – that would soon bring the whole sorry edifice crumbling down. (By the way, I didn’t blog about BB when I was secretly watching it, as the last time I tried to commentate upon the programme sensibly, it drew unsavoury types who must have happened upon my website while searching for BB-related material, and I have no interest in getting into a dialogue with them. If the same happens here, I’ll just jettison the post. As you were.)