It’s all bollocks

The numbers, dude
1.3
OK, Lost returns, and as much as I would like to resist the hype, I can’t. It’s obvious why I like it so much – it’s the longest disaster movie ever made: a plane crash, a bunch of survivors thrown together and forced to adopt primal instincts in order to live. Archetypes abound, in true disaster-movie style – the fat one, the boy, the old man, the doctor, the pregnant woman, the rock star etc. – and with the added ingredient of something supernatural and all those flashbacks, it all adds up to my kind of US drama. Not, clearly, in the same league as The West Wing, but what is? It still draws me in.

Picking up where the first series left off – the opening of the hatch (or The Hatch); Walt kidnapped by pirates – series two had plenty to clear up, and proceeded to clear up very little of it. [SPOILER ALERT – read no further if, for some reason, you haven’t seen eps one and two yet, but hurry up!] We now know that there’s a Scottish man living down The Hatch with a lava lamp, an old computer and the Mamas and the Papas on tape. We also know that he thinks there’s disease out there, which there isn’t. He now has John, Kate and Jack hostage. In a wig flashback, we saw Jack bring the bottom half of a woman back to life (the “making love” half, note), as if he were Jesus (episode title: Man Of Science, Man Of Faith), and then run into a Scottish man at a sports stadium, who called him “brother”. This man turned out to be . . . exactly. None the wiser, obviously, but that’s never been the point of Lost. You must remain, at least partially, lost.

In episode two, Adrift, which C4 showed directly afterwards, we saw much of episode one again (chiz!), with added exposition, but not much. The meat was the raft story, in which Michael and Sawyer bickered like old men in a dimwitted Beckett play (“Oh, I’ll just stop bleeding!”, “What are you gonna do? Splash me?”) while sharks circled beneath. Just regular sharks, by the looks of it. Taken together, these were two of the darkest episodes of any TV series I’ve ever seen. And I mean pitch black. They were darker than The X-Files, and Michael and Sawyer didn’t even have torches. Michael got the flashbacks in two: we saw him bid farewell to a toddler version of Walt and give him a cuddly polar bear (significant? or a red herring? why am I even entertaining this debate?). Was this the first time that we learned that Michael was an artist “with real talent”? I can’t remember. Either way, we’re left with Estragon and Vladimir back on the island, with pirates moving in, and Jack very confused about the Scottish man. The Scottish man is called Desmond.

Good to have it back, mainly so that I can enjoy my ritual of saying the word “Lost” really slowely, as the title moves langourously and diagonally towards the screen. Stupid, I know, This programme is not as clever as it makes out. It’s not as clever as ER or the Wing or The X-Files, but it seems clever, and that’s its trick. It’s dumb entertainment dressed as something fancy.

Oh, and was anybody else made slightly nauseous by the sight of JJ Abrams popping up in the ad breaks to say, “Hi, I’m JJ Abrams, co-creator of Lost, here’s my ass – it’s for sale.” (or words to that effect), before showing an advert for Mission: Impossible III, which he’s directed. We don’t need that. He’s the co-creator! Who wants to see the co-creator in the middle of the thing he co-created, for which we’re attempting to suspend our disbelief? (As if the constant ad-breaks – including one right after the opening credits, American-style – don’t make that hard enough!)

It was Charlie who said it’s all bollocks. Good fansite here.

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22 thoughts on “It’s all bollocks

  1. Did you notice the adverts for Hanso ‘working for a better tomorrow’ (or sommat) during the breaks? Or was that during episode 3 on E4? I won’t say more in case I’m spoiling, or sickening…

  2. Did you notice the adverts for Hanso ‘working for a better tomorrow’ (or sommat) during the breaks? Or was that during episode 3 on E4? I won’t say more in case I’m spoiling, or sickening…

  3. I haven’t seen the first four episodes of this series so I couldn’t possibly say how great they were. I also couldn’t tell you if it reverts back to lull that typified the middle of the first season either after this. Guess I’ll wait for them to be shown on Channel four.

  4. I haven’t seen the first four episodes of this series so I couldn’t possibly say how great they were. I also couldn’t tell you if it reverts back to lull that typified the middle of the first season either after this. Guess I’ll wait for them to be shown on Channel four.

  5. … by sickening I mean coming down with Lost-induced delusions. By the way, on our pond this morning, 1 real duck and 11 real ducklings – definitely no delusion (I’m just worried next door’s polar bear will get them).

  6. … by sickening I mean coming down with Lost-induced delusions. By the way, on our pond this morning, 1 real duck and 11 real ducklings – definitely no delusion (I’m just worried next door’s polar bear will get them).

  7. I spoilt myself already by watching the whole series on hooky DVDs… Season 2 is SO much better in my opinion. I sort of wish I hadn’t watched them all in one go, because I can’t join in with anyone else’s wonderings about what’s going on… ah well. Next time I think I’ll be a bit more patient!

  8. I spoilt myself already by watching the whole series on hooky DVDs… Season 2 is SO much better in my opinion. I sort of wish I hadn’t watched them all in one go, because I can’t join in with anyone else’s wonderings about what’s going on… ah well. Next time I think I’ll be a bit more patient!

  9. I noticed the Hanso ad too, which freaked me out but I am sure nobody else got it as they wouldn’t know of its significance yet. The next few episodes are great… I am off to watch episode 20 right now. So naughty of me.

  10. I noticed the Hanso ad too, which freaked me out but I am sure nobody else got it as they wouldn’t know of its significance yet. The next few episodes are great… I am off to watch episode 20 right now. So naughty of me.

  11. No spoilers but…Episode 20 is a corker!It stressed me out more than 24… and things will never ever be the same after the events in this episode. The flashback was excellent as well. Any Lost doubters: stick with it.

  12. No spoilers but…Episode 20 is a corker!It stressed me out more than 24… and things will never ever be the same after the events in this episode. The flashback was excellent as well. Any Lost doubters: stick with it.

  13. Speaking of 24 I’m glad I’m ahead of the shows on Sky as Keifer dropped a pretty big spoiler on Jonathon Ross’s show tonight, the thing he said reffered to an episode on in two weeks.

  14. Speaking of 24 I’m glad I’m ahead of the shows on Sky as Keifer dropped a pretty big spoiler on Jonathon Ross’s show tonight, the thing he said reffered to an episode on in two weeks.

  15. Cheers to dan project 76 – I was hoping for such confirmation without having to google and possibly find more info than I wanted. Probably I shouldn’t have mentioned the ads though, got a bit carried away, they wouldn’t make sense until you’ve seen episode 3, just seem a bit odd. I still can’t remember if they were shown during episode 1, 2 or 3 – strange if it was 1 or 2.

  16. Cheers to dan project 76 – I was hoping for such confirmation without having to google and possibly find more info than I wanted. Probably I shouldn’t have mentioned the ads though, got a bit carried away, they wouldn’t make sense until you’ve seen episode 3, just seem a bit odd. I still can’t remember if they were shown during episode 1, 2 or 3 – strange if it was 1 or 2.

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